Thinking or Saying

Overview

In this lesson, students explore how communication can build or damage friendships. They practise expressing feelings and boundaries clearly and respectfully, especially when emotions are high.

Learning intentions

WALT express feelings and boundaries using assertive communication. WALT practise choosing words that respect others and protect wellbeing in friendship situations. WALT identify how tone, timing, and body language affect the message we send. WALT reflect on how our communication choices can resolve conflict and strengthen relationships.

Success criteria

I can explain the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication. I can use a feelings-and-needs statement (e.g., “I feel…, because… I need…”) to respond to a tricky situation. I can give at least one assertive boundary phrase that would work in a real friendship. I can describe one way my communication could help maintain a positive relationship.

Curriculum links

• Te Mātaiaho Health and PE — Self and others: handling tricky social situations by managing emotions, setting boundaries, and resolving conflict in ways that protect wellbeing while keeping relationships intact.
• Te Mātaiaho Health and PE — Self and others: developing safer, more confident decisions through role-play, reflective discussion, and decision-making strategies, including assertiveness and emotional regulation.
• Te Mātaiaho Health and PE — Self and others: assertive communication that builds respect and clarity, even when emotions are high or power dynamics are uneven.

Lesson structure (60 minutes)

1. 0–8 min · Hook: “Same message, different impact”. Teacher reads two short friendship lines with different tones (e.g., calm vs sharp) and asks students to notice the emotional message, not just the words. Students do a quick “thumb vote” and share one reason with a partner.

2. 8–15 min · Mini-lesson: assertive communication in friendships. Teacher introduces a simple structure students will use today:

• Feelings: “I feel…”
• Reason: “when…” / “because…”
• Boundary/need: “I need…” / “Please…”
• Respect: “so we can…” or “because it matters to me.” Students turn-and-talk to rewrite one teacher example into an assertive version.

3. 15–28 min · Guided practice: communication sorting. Teacher displays 6 scenario cards (examples: someone copies their homework answer, someone teases a friend’s phone case, a group excludes them, a friend won’t stop after being told). In groups of 3–4, students sort each card into: passive, aggressive, or assertive, and underline what emotion/need is behind the message. Teacher circulates and checks for correct reasoning, not just labels.

4. 28–45 min · Role-play: “Thinking it or Saying it”. Teacher models one 20–30 second role-play with a “freeze” at the moment an assertive response is needed. Students practise in pairs using a role-play script:

• Step 1: Name the feeling
• Step 2: State the boundary/need
• Step 3: Offer a respectful next step Students repeat once, aiming to improve tone and clarity (slower pace, steady voice, direct eye contact where culturally appropriate). Teacher provides 1 coaching point per pair (e.g., “Make the boundary specific, not vague”).

5. 45–54 min · Whole-class reflection: decision and impact. Teacher facilitates a debrief using prompts:

• What did the assertive message protect?
• What changed for the relationship after the message?
• What could make it harder to communicate assertively (anger, embarrassment, peer pressure)? Students write a brief reflection in notebooks: one sentence on what they did well and one sentence on what they will try next time.

6. 54–60 min · Exit ticket: “My assertive boundary”. Students complete an exit ticket:

• “If my friend does ____, I can say: ‘I feel…, because… I need…’”
• “One way my tone/body language helps is ____.” Teacher quickly reviews for common misconceptions (e.g., being too aggressive while “trying to be assertive”).

Resources

• Scenario cards (printed) for passive/aggressive/assertive sorting
• Role-play scenario slips (one per pair) with a friendship context
• Assertive communication sentence stem cards
• Timer (visual) for role-play rounds
• Student notebooks and pens
• Optional: “Communication triangle” chart (passive–assertive–aggressive) on wall/board

Assessment

• Formative: observation during sorting (students justify why a response is passive/aggressive/assertive).
• Formative: listen for clear feelings-and-need statements during role-play; provide coaching in real time.
• Summative for the lesson: exit ticket demonstrates an assertive boundary and an understanding of how communication affects relationships.

Differentiation

• Support: provide a small word bank for feelings (e.g., annoyed, embarrassed, left out, worried) and boundary phrases (e.g., “Please stop”, “I’m not okay with that”, “Can we talk another time”).
• Support: sentence starters on a card so students don’t freeze during role-play.
• Challenge/extension within task: ask students to add one respectful “next step” (e.g., offer a compromise, suggest a calm time to talk, propose an alternative activity).
• EAL/SEN: allow students to rehearse with the teacher or in a smaller group first; accept brief written responses if oral language is developing.

Notes for teacher

Ensure role-play scenarios are realistic but non-sensitive, and remind students that role-play is practice, not a way to judge real classmates. Reinforce that assertiveness is about respect and clarity, not “winning” an argument.